Personal Essay #5: The Joys of being Alone

Do you like being alone?

As a kid, I never really liked to hang out with other people. When given the option to hang out with my classmates or sit by myself, I had almost always chosen to stay by myself. And while it would be entertaining if I had a specific reason as to why I didn’t want to hang out with other people, I honestly just didn’t want to. At the time, my imagination was more than enough to entertain me at any given moment, so, I would always prefer to be stuck in my own head over anything else. I liked being able to just sit in silence and let myself retreat into my own body instead of trying to talk to another person, and I found nothing wrong with that. 

And, looking back on how I acted as a child, I still don’t find anything majorly wrong with my want to be alone. After all, I would still play with the other kids at recess, talk during group discussions, and try to interact with the other kids when I could. But the more I think about it, I’m able to look back and notice how some issues I struggle with now stem from my wanting to be alone as a kid. For example, I tend to struggle holding proper conversations with people because I’m so used to defaulting on being by myself. My lack of interaction in my more formative years has led me to struggle with it now. Alongside this, it has also affected the relationships I have with the people around me, especially my little sister. 

If I had to describe my little sister in extremely simplistic terms, I would describe her as the opposite of me. Where I find comfort in myself, she finds it being surrounded by other people. Where I need breaks in between interacting with people, she’s able to jump from person to person without an issue. She’s the one inviting her friends to huge sleepover parties and days out while I prefer hushed conversations over the phone and quiet movie nights. And while my sister and I did have many similarities between us growing up, it was these base differences between us that put a subtle strain on our relationship. 

Despite how we interacted in our childhood, I feel like the contrast between my sister’s and I’s personalities only hit me recently. It was a warm spring Friday, and my sister and I were finally able to step back into the house after a long day of school. As we both kicked our shoes off at the front door and started to head upstairs, from an open window, I could hear the neighborhood kids riding on their bikes in the street. Upon hearing the commotion, my little sister sprinted up the stairs, threw her backpack on her bed, and flew down the stairs towards the garage, where her bike was sitting. And before I could even settle down into my bed, from my bedroom window, I could see my sister riding down the street with the neighborhood kids. 

It was at that moment that the differences between my sister and I really hit me. I watched her ride into the distance and couldn’t help but ask myself: am I lonely? before quickly bursting into giggles at the thought. Upon further reflection I came to the realization that I am not lonely, I just prefer being alone. Where my sister loves to be surrounded by people all the time I prefer to only be around people occasionally. And as I snuggled into bed under the warm rays of the sun with the sound of the neighborhood kids circling back to our front yard, a smile graced my lips, at the realization that both my sister and I were enjoying the start of our weekends, in whichever way we prefer.