Personal Essay #1: Embarrassment

Have you ever felt embarrassed by the things that you used to like?

When looking back at my younger self, I find myself gritting my teeth at a multitude of things from the words I would say, actions I would do, and even things I would like. And it is through this reflection of myself that I keep coming back to cringing at the things I used to watch and enjoy. 

One such thing that I can only look back upon now with a twist in my stomach would be certain youtubers I would watch, and what they would post. For example, I had always been into linear storytelling, and, with the increased solitude of quarantine, I found myself stumbling upon a collection of youtubers that would create their own stories, get a group of people together, and act out their scenes either in real life or across mulit-media platforms. However, there was one youtuber in particular that garnered my attention, creating her own stories and acting out the scenes in Minecraft with some friends and even interested strangers who wanted to step into the voice acting scene. What first drew me into her channel was both the quantity and quality of the stories she would write. At the time, her channel had five main series she had either completed or was expanding. One of which took place in the medieval era where the youtuber would build her own village and go off to explore the restraints of the world she created with lore that would expand outward and deeper the further into the series you got. Another series was much more manufactured, and impressive, in which we followed a young woman as she went through high school and into adulthood creating connections and reflecting seemingly dull everyday parts of life in a world full of magic and hidden hierarchies. 

When I look back now and rewatch the episodes that I hold so dear to my heart, I find myself heavily criticizing the series, especially the earlier works. I look at tropes and pairings that now feel repetitive and find myself pacing my room trying to overcome secondhand embarrassment more than actually watching the series. However, every once in a while, I’ll have the time to sit down and rewatch my favorite sections of the show, all of which in the latter half. And it is through those moments that I’m brought back to who I was during quarantine, a young girl rushing through her assignments in order to watch as much of her favorite series or being one of the first viewers whenever a new episode would drop. Occasionally it is during these rewatches that I find myself falling into a similar rhythm, raring to come home after a long school day, more focused on watching the next episode of my chosen series over doing my homework or studying. 

While I’d like to look back at what I used to watch and say that I have completely outgrown it, I cannot say so. I still find myself giddy when I have the time to binge an old show, seeing the episodes progress, knowing the ending and only finding myself more interested than the first time around. Because even though I’ve grown and changed from the person who I was six years ago, what I like stayed relatively the same: a good story, with a lot of time and energy put into making it happen.